A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.

You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...

Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your

willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance

compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing

is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch."

The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how

many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your

wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a

nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one

before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might

be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken

with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're having granite worktops"

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