Ralph Came Home Drunk. This Will Make You Laugh Silly.

 

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber...

He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,"You died in your sleep Ralph."

Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead?No I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!

"St Peter said," I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Ralph was devastated, but begs St Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past."So you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?"

"Not bad,"replied Ralph the Hen,but I have this strange feeling inside, like I'm going to explode."

"You're ovulating, explained the rooster.Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before."

"Never,"said Ralph.

"Well just relax and let it happen," says the rooster" It's no big deal."

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg – his Joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell..."RALPH WAKE UP. YOU SHIT THE BED!"

FUNNY ADULTE JOKE: Heaven’s Door

 

“Daddy, daddy,” cried little Jack, “please come and look, my pussy cat is lying in the garden with his feet in the air and he won’t move.”

Assuming the worst, dad went into the garden to take a look.

“I’m sorry, son, I’m afraid Tiddles is dead.” Through his sobs, the little boy asked why the cat’s feet were sticking up in the air.

Quick as a flash, dad replied, “That’s so Jesus can grab hold of them and take him up to heaven.”

A few days later, dad came home from work to find Jack crying in the garden.

“What’s happened, Jack?” he asked. “It’s mummy, she nearly died today, like my poor pussy cat!” “How can that be?” asked dad aghast.

“I went into the summer house a little while back and mummy was there with her feet in the air shouting ‘I’m coming, I’m coming!’ Oh daddy, if it hadn’t been for the milkman holding her down, she would have been taken up to heaven by Jesus.” 

Viralfunnyjokes: SEVEN ACTUAL CONVERSATIONS THAT SHOCKED THESE PEOPLE MORE THAN...

 

My husband and I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 bill.

Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c.

She said, 'you gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar back.'

She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don’t do that kind of thing.'

The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.

Do not confuse the people at MacD's.

We had to have the garage door repaired.

The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

We haven't used that repairman since...

I live in a semi rural area.

We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE.

My daughter went to a Mexican fast food and ordered a taco.

She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,

'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.

She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a government employee.....

When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a 

service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'

His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'

STAY ALERT!

They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....

You now have 2 options...

Delete it…..

or

Send it along to put a smile on someone's face today!.

HAHAHAHAHAHA.   I  hope I don't offend anyone. I  just thought these were funny.

Viralfunnyjokes: An Old Australian Man Was Having A Coffee. This Will Make You Go ROFL.

 

An old Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when a Young American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him:

The old man politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The young man snapped his gum and said.

“You Australian folk eat the whole bread?”

The old man frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast and replied.

“Of course.”

The young man blew a huge bubble.

“We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia.”

The young man had a smirk on his face.

The old man listened in silence.

The Americans persisted. “D’ya eat jam with your bread?”

Sighing, the old man replied.

“Of course.”

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the young man said.

“We don’t. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia.”

The old man then asked. “Do you have s*x in the States?”

The young man smiled and said.

“Why of course we do.”

The old man leaned closer to him and asked.

“And what do you do with the c0ndoms once you’ve used them?”

“We throw them away, of course!”

The young man smirked, shaking his head at the obvious question.

Now it was the old man’s turn to smile.

“We don’t. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it’s called Wrigley’s?”

GRANDMA'S NEW HOME

 

GRANDMA'S NEW HOME

Viralfunnyjokes: Father Writes A Letter To His Son In Prison. What Happens Next Is Genius

 

An elderly Italian man in New Jersey...

An elderly Italian man living alone in New Jersey wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent, 

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. 

I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. 

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop, 

Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried. 

Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop, 

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances. 

Love you,

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face …

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret.

After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.