Viralfunnyjokes: An Old Australian Man Was Having A Coffee. This Will Make You Go ROFL.

 

An old Australian man was having a coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when a Young American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him:

The old man politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation.

The young man snapped his gum and said.

“You Australian folk eat the whole bread?”

The old man frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast and replied.

“Of course.”

The young man blew a huge bubble.

“We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia.”

The young man had a smirk on his face.

The old man listened in silence.

The Americans persisted. “D’ya eat jam with your bread?”

Sighing, the old man replied.

“Of course.”

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the young man said.

“We don’t. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and the leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia.”

The old man then asked. “Do you have s*x in the States?”

The young man smiled and said.

“Why of course we do.”

The old man leaned closer to him and asked.

“And what do you do with the c0ndoms once you’ve used them?”

“We throw them away, of course!”

The young man smirked, shaking his head at the obvious question.

Now it was the old man’s turn to smile.

“We don’t. In Australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. Why do you think it’s called Wrigley’s?”

GRANDMA'S NEW HOME

 

GRANDMA'S NEW HOME

Viralfunnyjokes: Father Writes A Letter To His Son In Prison. What Happens Next Is Genius

 

An elderly Italian man in New Jersey...

An elderly Italian man living alone in New Jersey wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent, 

I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. 

I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days. 

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop, 

Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried. 

Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop, 

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances. 

Love you,

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face …

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret.

After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?'

'My darling,' she replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

Little Girl Tries To Explain Child Birth To Her Class. PRICELESS

I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.

Usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they’re welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. “This is Luke, my baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his birthday.

 First, Mommy and Daddy made him as a symbol of their love, and then Daddy put a seed in my mother’s stomach, and Luke grew in there.

He ate for 9 months through an umbrella cord.” She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I’m trying not to laugh and wishing I had a video camera rolling. The kids are watching her in amazement.

“Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mother starts going, ‘Oh, oh, oh!” Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.

 “She walked around the house for, like an hour, “Oh, oh, oh!” Now this kid is doing this hysterical duck-walk, holding her back and groaning. “My father called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn’t have a sign on the car like the Domino’s man.

They got my mother to lay down in bed like this.” Erica lies down with her back against the wall. “And then, pop! My mother had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!”

The kid has her legs spread and with her little hands is miming water flowing away. It was too much!

“Then the middle wife starts going push, push, and breathe, breathe. They start counting, but they never even got past 10.

 Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff they said was from the play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there.”

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I’m sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it’s show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder – just in case another Erica comes along.

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A Frustrated Housewife Bought A New Pair Of Panties.

This Is Funny.

frustrated housewife bought a new pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to arouse her husband and spice up their dead s*x life.

After cooking his favourite meal for dinner one evening,
She had put them on under a revealing short skirt and relaxed with a glass of wine on the sofa directly across from where her husband was sitting in his chair.

After several more glasses of wine and at what she thought was the appropriate moment, she uncrossed her legs just wide enough so that her husband could catch a revealing view.

It wasn’t long before his eyes focused on the prize and he asked,
“Are you wearing crotchless panties?”
“Y -e-s,” She answered coyly with a seductive smile.”

“Thank God!” he said,
” I thought you were sitting on the cat.”
He never saw her glass of wine coming.

Little Johnny Had Passed His Driving Test.

This Is Super Funny.

Little Johnny had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he’d make a deal with his son,
“You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.

 Then we’ll talk about the car.”
The Little Johnny thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said,
“Son, you’ve brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.”

The Little Johnny said,
“You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

(You’re going to love Dad’s reply!)
“Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went..